yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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