Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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