If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
