Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
