She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
