my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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