it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
