I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
