happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Im part way to drunk.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
