dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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