Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
