I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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