I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
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I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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