you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
