the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
