im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
