Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We are two peas in an std pod
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
