sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
