I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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