someone owes me an orgasm
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Pants are for mortals
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
