gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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