I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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