So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
