Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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