Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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