That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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