WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
