Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
