I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
