When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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