Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
