She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
