I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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