cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
