my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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