I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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