what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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