saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
