i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
