I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
