I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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