Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
