Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
