Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
