Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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