I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
