Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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