he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We had sex on a dog bed..
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
