I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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