There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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