I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
