dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
