mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
