it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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