can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
