I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
