she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
